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Archive for March, 2015

Haikuesday 03.31.15

March 31, 2015 2 comments

Now is the moment

to be my own champion,

and forge my own fate.

Please check out my soon-to-be-released haiku collection, coming May 2nd! The e-book is available for pre-order on Amazon.

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Haikuesday 03.24.15

March 24, 2015 2 comments

Another Tuesday,

another punch in the heart.

But we get back up.

Categories: poetry Tags: , , , ,

Serendipitity and joy.

March 22, 2015 Leave a comment

Sometimes, things just work out. Sometimes, life gives you these neatly wrapped, wonderful little packages to open up and enjoy. It’s a unique feeling when you feel both completely content and excited by possibility at the same time.

A had an unremarkable chain of events over the last few days which led to this exquisite feeling. Late in the week, I got banged up at judo, so I decided not to train Friday or Saturday. On Saturday morning, I used the time I would have spent getting ready for jiu jitsu and training to clean out my refrigerator, go food shopping, and make my lunch and breakfast for the work week– all the things I usually do after practice. I went to help out with the kids’ judo class later in the afternoon, came home, and did some more chores. Then, I eased into a chill evening walking around West Philly with my rad step-sister, Krista, happy to be reconnecting face to face.

This morning, I was up unexpectedly early. I hopped out of bed and did my neglected laundry before scampering

Me on left, unshowered post-judo practice wearing our club's judo sweatshirt. Joy on right, unshowered post-jiu jitsu practice wearing our club's jiu jitsu sweatshirt. Not pictured: accidental matching grey sweatpants.

Me on left, unshowered post-judo practice wearing our club’s judo sweatshirt. Joy on right, unshowered post-jiu jitsu practice wearing our club’s jiu jitsu sweatshirt. Not pictured: accidental matching grey sweatpants.

off to judo. When I got home from practice, I found myself with no obligations, no little errands, nothing but time. I haven’t had that on a Sunday in months. As I was messing around on the internet, I got a phone call from my teammate and spirit sister, Joy. I was alarmed at first. Since Joy and I usually text, my brain automatically jumped to horrific emergency. Why else would she be calling? Well, it turns out that sometimes people call each other just to hang out. Joy was in my neighborhood and wanted to know if I had time to chill. And I did. We got a snack a tiny Indian restaurant, and once again I found myself strolling through West Philly under the sun and trees with someone important in my life. Joy and I have both been wrapped up in life stress lately and haven’t had any hang out time together. It feltĀ  perfect to walk around Clark Park and just talk.

If my week had gone differently, I might not have been so open to relaxing with my friend. I might have felt torn about hanging out with Joy, not fully satisfied with either the choice to tackle dumb chores and errands or spend time with my buddy. But everything was in place for us to share a couple of hours to ground each other. Today is the anniversary of my mom’s death, and while I woke up in a good mood this morning, all the complicated emotions of her death run like lava through my body this time of year. I can feel them, but I don’t know when they will erupt. I am grateful that the volcano stayed dormant today, but I also know that Joy would accept me even if I was an overflowing with disastrous sadness and anger.

I don’t care that this sounds mad cheesy, but Joy is a gift to me. I don’t know where our friendship is headed, but I know that I have felt more loved and cared for in this world since we’ve become friends.

Sometimes, things just work out.

Haikuesday 03.17.15

March 17, 2015 Leave a comment

There are some moments

that you cannot prepare for.

Have faith in yourself.

Friends! My haiku collection is coming out in May! I’d like to share this amazing trailer put together by my friend, DM Gatto.

Trust me.

March 11, 2015 2 comments

March is Social Work Month. Since March 1st, my supervisor regularly engages my department in acknowledging our accomplishments and the achievements of social workers at large. I like that she does this for us. I even jumped in on the Social Work Month planning committee in February. But since March came, I couldn’t find any deep thoughts or feelings about Social Work Month. Look, I’m proud to be a social worker and I want to contribute to the advancement of my profession, but I feel like I’m too engulfed by the hurricane that is social to reflect on what this month represents for social workers and others looking in.

Today, however, an interaction with client left me wondering what it is about me that lets me do so well as a social worker. I don’t think it’s my work ethic or critical thinking skills. I think it’s just because people trust me. They trust me quickly. I don’t know why. I can’t say it’s something I say or do. Maybe it’s because I look like a kid and my voice is so child-like. I just don’t know what it is, but I have it. So often, I am grateful for this quality, this thing that lets people feel like it’s OK to let me in their world. It’s humbling and awe-inspiring. It makes me feel connected. Other times, though, it terrifies me. When someone is ready to include me in their life without question, there are moments when it feels too heavy. I’m not ready to be important to someone. I can feel the space around me close in and all I want is to be invisible and unimportant. I want to be forgettable. I’m not prepared to be needed.

When I step back, I think this is a pretty self-centered reaction. My clients existed long before me and will keep going well after I exit their lives. All that is happening is that a relationship is growing. I just need to keep an open heart and allow that bond to develop. I can do my best to make sure we don’t cross lines and hurt each other, but as long as I remain genuine and direct, we can learn from any missteps.

There is a part of me that wants to be reliable at all costs. If I mess up, I want to show that I care about finding a resolution. Maybe that’s what people see. I guess I don’t need to know what exactly makes people trust me; I just need to protect that little pocket where people feel safe to be vulnerable.

I think I can do that. And if I find that I can’t, I will revert to my back-up career as kitten organizer.

Light and empty.

March 5, 2015 2 comments

I wasn’t listening,

but that was no new thing.

It might have been years since I listened,

and then months

since I listened without judgement

and without disdain.

What was new was the realization

that he didn’t notice.

He didn’t notice that I stopped listening.

He would talk and gesticulate

with bright eyes and red cheeks,

and there I’d sit,

beside him on the couch,

or across the table.

No questions

No affirmations.

Just breaths with small sounds:

Hmm.

Huh.

Oh.

He was little more than the morning talk radio,

coming through the speakers for background noise

to fill the room as one prepares the coffee.

It was time for me to see what it was like

to feel silence

and to be empty.

Light and empty.

Haikuesday 03.03.14

March 3, 2015 1 comment

The songs I love most

are the ones that woke me up

when I was fifteen.