Home > Life > Connected.

Connected.

I stop writing when it’s best for me to keep writing. There are certain times where I don’t like how I feel–self-doubt, fear, helplessness. Sometimes their volume is too loud and rather than adjusting the noise, I plug up my ears are hope things will change by magic. In these times, I don’t want to write. I don’t want to sit down and face those thoughts. But then nothing changes.

I don’t know what happened. I loved 2013. I won at 2013. This year, though, while some lovely things have transpired, it seems like 2014 is trying to run me over and I’m barely keeping ahead. These past few weeks, I really didn’t know what to do with myself. December 19th marks the anniversary of my brother’s death. Some years, that day is OK. Last year, for example, I don’t remember struggling. I remember being in a good spot. I know I felt sad, but I also know I was OK. Not this year though. I was not OK. As I got closer to December 19th, I grew more and more anxious about not being OK. I kept trying to plow forward, and on December 18th, I had a very quiet melt down at my dojo’s holiday party. Old lesson re-learned: Ignoring your problems doesn’t make them go away. They just get bigger.

So what the heck was I supposed to do?

Yesterday, on December 19th, I sat at my desk, silently wiping away my tears and trying not to hyperventilate so I could keep my office mate in the dark. Clearly, I could not spend the rest of my day like that. I did consider just walking out of the building and never going back, but instead, I tried something different.

I told my friends how I felt.

While I hate being vulnerable, I hate being fake even more. I feel weak when my anxiety takes over, and even when I admit out loud that I can’t always manage how I feel, but pretending kills me. I don’t know what the point is to acting like I’m always fine when I’m not. What is the point of having good people in your life if you can’t be honest? I started to wonder if I always act tough, maybe my friends might hold back from telling me when things aren’t right with them because I might not be able to relate. I don’t want that kind of imbalance in my life.  It took a while to work up to it, but I sent little messages to some of my friends and family to let them know I was having a rough day, and I wanted them know I love them and I’m glad they are in my life. Some of those friends and family were missing my brother as well, so it felt comforting to make that connection. Some of my friends never knew my brother, but because they are outstanding people, their words and gestures of support made me feel like a real person again. In a moment of foresight earlier in the week, I asked my spirit sister, Joy, to hang out with me that night in case I didn’t want to be alone. By the time she showed up at my apartment, I was actually in a good mood. Joy passed off a little care package from our friend, Gatto, which contained, chocolate, cheese, and a peanut butter chocolate beer. My heart exploded.

I didn’t want to write until I had something triumphant to put on paper, some remarkable achievement or landmark. I didn’t want to spend time on doubt and fear. But maybe it’s worth it. Not every post or poem has to be memorable, but there’s value in the process. Silence will keep us stagnant and fragmented. Words will keep us connected.

I want to stay connected.

 

 

 

Advertisements
  1. December 23, 2014 at 19:05

    I really get this. Exposing ourselves and our pain is so hard but so necessary and healing. Thinking of you.

    • December 23, 2014 at 21:57

      Thank you. It seems like our instinct is to be that wounded animal and just hide in our little caves. It’s so hard to fight that instinct!

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: