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Archive for June, 2013

Hippie girl.

Hippie girl, hippie girl,

don’t you know?

It’s not safe to walk the streets

with your eyes closed.

Hippie girl, hippie girl,

please, get out my way.

Open your eyes.

Watch where you’re going.

Namaste.

 

300px-Janice_sitting

Exist without expectations.

The sun was perfect

and everything looked right–

an unimaginably blue sky layered atop bright green richness

in which colored flowers peppered the density.

But it wasn’t right and it wasn’t perfect.

We’re missing someone again,

and the whole time I tried to imagine what it would feel like if your hand was on my shoulder.

I think I felt it.

I did my best to feel the weight of your calloused hand

and the canopy of your crooked smile.

I know I put too much on you,

thinking you can protect the handful of us who miss you most from ever having to do that again.

But I don’t know where you are and I don’t know what you’re allowed to do.

Maybe you know what’s best.

Maybe the next time the sun is perfect and everything looks right,

we’ll just exist without the expectations.

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Haikuesday 06.25.13

June 25, 2013 1 comment

I am married to
my Tuesday BJJ class.
It’s well worth the work.

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Haikuesday 06.18.13

Your world can expand

at any point in your life.

It’s so exciting.

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Haikuesday 06.11.13 Part II

My friends are the best

because if I say, “Let’s climb!”

they don’t hesitate.

bobcats

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Haikuesday 06.11.13

Feelings interfere

with the work that must be done.

Robots have it made.

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Feedback.

June 4, 2013 4 comments

Recently, I’ve been dealing with a situation at work that’s keeping me up at night. I had an incident that knocked me in the face with the reality of the line of work I’m in. Sometimes social workers find themselves in the center of scary situations over which they have no control. After the deescalation, you have to go back to work and figure out what happens next.

In coping with this incident, I am forcing myself to be open-minded, empathetic, and mature to the point of exhaustion. At first, I did not want to be open-minded, empathetic, or mature. I wanted to think only of my own personal reaction and cater to it. But that’s not the kind of social worker I want to be, nor is it the sort of person I want to be.  As I work with my supervisor towards resolution, she’s been giving me a lot of advice on how to proceed. In the process, however, she has pointed out some of my missed opportunities, contradictions, and moments of hesitation.  For the past two and half weeks, particularly yesterday, I trapped myself in what I could have done, second guessing my everyone action in the past six months and methodically whittling away my confidence.

This morning as I applied my mascara, I realized that I can create the opportunities I missed. I can take positive action where I was inactive before. When my supervisor and I met today, she openly pushed me to  clearly articulate what where my self-doubt is coming from and what I will do to rebuild it. For the first time in two and a half weeks, I let myself hear her positive feedback. Yes, I missed some opportunities. Yes, there were alternate approaches I could have taken. However, my supervisor emphasized how pleased she is with my ability to face this situation. Basically in the course of our meeting, she told me that I am outstanding at learning. I realize that might sound like a weird compliment, but it means a lot to me. As long as I can learn, I won’t get stuck.

I think it’s difficult to receive criticism, even when it’s constructive. While I reflect on why I was able to turn my negative thinking around and feel good about the direction I can take at work, I am once again thankful for judo and jiu jitsu. When I go to train, I absorb a near constant stream of feedback. Yes, I hear my share of, “Nice, Lori! That was great!” But I also hear a slew of “Pull more with the sleeve hand” and “Your angle’s not right” and “Your stance is too wide” and “You forgot to switch your grip” and “Turn your head more” and so on and so on. It could be spirit-crushing, but I decided a long time ago to just listen and keep trying. It’s not personal. It’s for my benefit. If someone is taking the time to help me get better, it means I can get better. The last person I am going to let hold me back is myself.