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Do I care about Mother’s Day?

Today is Mother’s Day. My mother is dead. She’s been dead for about seven years now. Since I’m not a mom yet myself, I’ve been trying to remember what I thought those other six Mother’s Day since my mom died, and I can’t remember. I’m sure I spent a number of them focused on my ex-boyfriend’s mom. Last year, Mother’s Day was the day before my commencement ceremonies for grad school, so it’s likely I didn’t even realize Mother’s Day was happening.

This year though, as I take inventory, I just feel weird. As callous as it sounds, I don’t really miss my mom. I’ve explained this before, but due to her mental health, my relationship with my mom was painful and defeating. However, as I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed and see photo after photo of proud daughters with their moms, I find myself tearing up and feeling left out. And a little jealous. My mom was not my best friend and I’m doubtful that she ever could have been. Maybe that’s why I feel left out.

I do have great women in my life who take on mom-like roles. My aunt, Claire, is someone whose existence is simply comforting to me. My dad’s girl friend is definitely a part of my family and I’m so grateful for her. And hell, my two mentors have definitely served mommy-like purposes in the past.

I’m certainly not a poor little orphan. Of course, I can’t be an orphan because I have my pops. We talked on the phone a little after I got back from judo practice this afternoon since he’s been checking in on me more frequently in effort to make sure I do not burn myself out. We spent most of the conversation talking about the judo and jiu jitsu tournament I’m competing in next weekend. I’m nervous to compete– it’s my first judo tournament in over a year and my first jiu jitsu tournament ever. I have moments of confidence, but they waiver. As I talked with my dad, he inadvertently gave me the right pre-tournament pep talk. After getting off the phone, I feel more confident and more determined to test myself. I feel a lot less like I’m going out there alone next weekend.

So do I care about Mother’s Day? I guess I do. Today I feel the absence of what some other people have. But even though I only have one parent now, he’s an exceptional parent. I can’t get too upset knowing that.

  1. May 12, 2013 at 15:30

    Hi Lori,

    Your kind words mean alot to me. And I treasure our bond. I find we share many characteristics and it’s comforting to me too! I certainly understand your feelings about Mothers Day.

    I did not have a greeting card-ready bond with my mom either. My sister was more like a mom to me, and that ended when she went off to school. My mom was more like a roommate, a sometimes willing guardian, and much much later, a good friend.

    This is a tough Mothers Day for me. The second one in a row. Last year, Don had his surgery May 8. This year, I spent my birthday week accompanying my sister on her first trip to the hospital (ever!) and now she is there for the 4th time since. I took the day. I thought I’d be packing. I expected to be on the 2-1/2 day of a visit up there with you all! But I have wanted to be there for her more. Hopefully, I can make it up on Tuesday, if all goes well for her on Monday.

    So I feel ya!!! I am thankful for you, for the honesty we share, and for this post, that allowed me to continue to work myself out of a crappy mood. Much love my dear. Much love. Hey, we can look at it this way:really only a day for people who don’t try hard enough the other 364!!! LOL!!!

    Good luck on your tournament!!!

  2. May 12, 2013 at 17:22

    I can certainly understand that Mother’s Day makes you feel weird. I made a vow yesterday to stay off FB today, and after reading this I’m glad I did. I struggle to make sense of my feelings about holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Honestly, I wish they didn’t exist for the very reason that they’re excruciating for people who have lost parents. I have also spoken with several friends recently who have difficult relationships with their mothers, and the holiday just becomes unbearable. So many people do not understand this, and just last week an acquaintance said she thought it was selfish for people who “can’t get along with their mothers” to take away everyone else’s joy on Mother’s Day. She also said something along the lines of “it’s not my fault if someone else’s mother is no longer living.” SERIOUSLY?! For what it’s worth, I’m truly sorry that you lost your mother, and even sorrier for what you never had when she was alive due to her mental health issues. It seems to me that Mother’s Day benefits the marketers more than anyone, so I vote that we do away with this holiday altogether. Good luck in your tournament!

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