Archive for May, 2013

Haikuesday on Wednesday 05.29.13

Aw, heck. I haven’t missed a Haikuesday in months and months! Here it is, one day late:

I was sick last night.

I’m stuck home though I’m better.

I want to go play!

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Haikuesday 05.21.13

Cold chocolate milk

after a long night’s training

tastes so good right now.

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Haikuesday 05.14.13

While I may be small,

I’m mighty, and when we meet

we will play my game.

Do I care about Mother’s Day?

May 12, 2013 2 comments

Today is Mother’s Day. My mother is dead. She’s been dead for about seven years now. Since I’m not a mom yet myself, I’ve been trying to remember what I thought those other six Mother’s Day since my mom died, and I can’t remember. I’m sure I spent a number of them focused on my ex-boyfriend’s mom. Last year, Mother’s Day was the day before my commencement ceremonies for grad school, so it’s likely I didn’t even realize Mother’s Day was happening.

This year though, as I take inventory, I just feel weird. As callous as it sounds, I don’t really miss my mom. I’ve explained this before, but due to her mental health, my relationship with my mom was painful and defeating. However, as I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed and see photo after photo of proud daughters with their moms, I find myself tearing up and feeling left out. And a little jealous. My mom was not my best friend and I’m doubtful that she ever could have been. Maybe that’s why I feel left out.

I do have great women in my life who take on mom-like roles. My aunt, Claire, is someone whose existence is simply comforting to me. My dad’s girl friend is definitely a part of my family and I’m so grateful for her. And hell, my two mentors have definitely served mommy-like purposes in the past.

I’m certainly not a poor little orphan. Of course, I can’t be an orphan because I have my pops. We talked on the phone a little after I got back from judo practice this afternoon since he’s been checking in on me more frequently in effort to make sure I do not burn myself out. We spent most of the conversation talking about the judo and jiu jitsu tournament I’m competing in next weekend. I’m nervous to compete– it’s my first judo tournament in over a year and my first jiu jitsu tournament ever. I have moments of confidence, but they waiver. As I talked with my dad, he inadvertently gave me the right pre-tournament pep talk. After getting off the phone, I feel more confident and more determined to test myself. I feel a lot less like I’m going out there alone next weekend.

So do I care about Mother’s Day? I guess I do. Today I feel the absence of what some other people have. But even though I only have one parent now, he’s an exceptional parent. I can’t get too upset knowing that.

I don’t want to do that again.

I don’t want to be up like this,

with my heart racing so that it no longer seems containable,

and my breaths so short and panicked.

That’s not what I wanted.

Here I lie, imaging the worst,

which is not even irrational or hyperbole,

since we’ve seen it–

I just don’t want to do that again.

But the fear, which drags its claws into the backs of my shoulders,

and whispers these possibilities which make my stomach buckle and my throat seize,

will make me stand straighter in the more morning

and speak louder,

because we’ve seen the worst

and I don’t want to do that again.

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Haikuesday 05.07.13

I was so afraid

just to say I was scared,

so I let trust win.

Haikus for friends.

1. For Joy:

You felt so nervous,

but you did it anyway,

and that was awesome.

2. For Diana:

You said, “Just try it!”

Just a friendly little push–

and I saw I could.

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