Archive for March, 2012

In like a lion, out like a lion.

March 25, 2012 2 comments

As most of us may have experienced, life is full of, uh, ups and downs. Sometimes, we feel completely on top of our game and that nothing can touch us. Then, suddenly it seems like life sucker-punches us in the face and takes our lunch money. Over and over again. These times suck. For me, February was pretty sucky. It turns out that March sucks, too. Fine. I’ve been through periods like this and have come out alright. I’m sure with some time, I’ll feel like a champ all over again. Whenever I have these stretches of suckiness, I try as much as I can to see what I need to learn so that the next time life tries to beat me up, I’m a little better prepared. During this specific period of suckiness, it’s really hit home that I do need support. I can’t get through everything alone. Also in this particular time, I’ve been humbled and touched by how many solid gold people have emerged to be there for me.

So, yeah. I have some pretty shiny friends. Right now, I grateful for old friends, like my BFF, Stephanie, and our friend, Nicole. This past weekend, I had a friend from UMass come to visit and I couldn’t believe how at ease I felt having her around. She was like the human equivalent to a cup of hot cocoa. Also, the new friends I’ve made during grad school continue to outdo themselves in their genuineness and unwavering support. Some of these girls and I only recently became friends, but my spontaneous bouts of tears don’t scare them at all. Not even a little.

Another thing I’ve been learning is that I can’t make it without my family. Right there is pot of gold, too. It’s a huge comfort to me knowing that my Auntie Claire and her son, Noah, and his family are in this world. And while they probably don’t realize it, but as my dad’s girlfriend and her family become closer with our family, I feel like my little world is getting bigger and better. This leads me to my double cheeseball reflection of the day:

Today is my dad’s birthday. I met up with him, his girlfriend, and her two sons and their special ladies at his girlfriend’s house for cake and ice cream. Seven humans, two dogs, and a cat might make for a small birthday party, but my dad seemed happy. And I was so glad to see him that way. Of course, since I’m more a girl than I’d like to admit, I started to tear up as I thought about how much my dad means to me. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve lost both my mom and my brother. The thought of losing my dad, too, is something I can’t bear, but it’s a thought that crossed my mind as I looked at him joking around and laughing with everyone in the living room. As I let I let that thought go, I reminded myself that it’s these little moments, when I’m with these solid gold people all together in one room, are exactly what I need to patch me up and send me back into the ring.

Categories: Life Tags: , , , ,

Human nature for the late night or early morning.

March 21, 2012 1 comment

Without my moments

of weakness, I’d never get

the chance to be strong.

Categories: poetry Tags: ,

Haikuesday, 03.12.12

March 13, 2012 1 comment

“What makes you happy?”

“My brudder!” said the small boy.

I smiled. Me, too.

Categories: poetry Tags: , ,

Let it float and dissolve.

I knew he was just trying to help,

and he didn’t know how much I hated that word–

that I never, ever want it applied to my life.

I worked so hard to forge my armor

and that word is like rust,

corroding all I made to get through one battle to the next.

Like I said, I knew he was just trying to help.

So I let the word float and dissolve

like a snowflake falling on asphalt.

Categories: poetry Tags: , ,


I’ve been thinking about the past,

and how it’s shaped me into the girl I am,

and how it could have pushed me to be someone quite different,

if I had let it.

But between you and me, it wasn’t all bad,

although that’s what it looks like on paper.

I hold the pen

and I have the paper.

It’s time for a re-write.

Categories: poetry Tags: ,

Haikuesday 03.06.12

We get this one life,

with all these chances to take.

Fear can’t hold me back.

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Mirror image.

Yesterday, I hung out with my friend, Brandi, and her little two and a half year-old daughter, Ayva. As we were making plans, it seemed totally natural for me to go to their home to hang out even though, really, Brandi and I almost never chill in person. In fact, the last time we saw each other was this past June or July.  I met Brandi during my part-time AmeriCorps term of service back in 2010 at non-profit youth education organization which specializes in out-of-school time programming. I liked Brandi right away since it was clear to me that she was a) hyper smart b) believed in her work and c) was her own person. (Also, I thought she had really good style.)  Through conversations here and there, we ended up connecting. When I left that job, I had it in my head that I wanted to stay in touch with Brandi. Friendships exists in all forms, and since I finished my AmeriCorps position, my main form of communication with Brandi has been through our respective blogs. So even though we don’t see each other in real life, I still feel like I know what going on with her through her writing and our own little written exchanges.

When I arrived at Brandi’s home, I felt comfortable right away. She was cooking us dinner, so the house was warm and smelled great. Brandi had me sit down while she and Ayva made cornbread. Watching the two of them interact was so relaxing to me. They were such an awesome, adorable team–calm and encouraging, and no fussing when it came time for clean-up. I hadn’t seen Ayva since she was probably less than a year old so I was floored by what a person she’d become. I remember when she could do little more than wave and smile and here she was, laughing, talking, singing. I couldn’t believe how much she’d grown since the last time I saw her.

It’s funny, but in a way I feel as though I got to know Brandi better through those few hours I spent at her home through Ayva. During our visit, Brandi to take a phone call, so Ayva and I hung out just the two of us for a little bit. Since I don’t spend that much time with kids, I wasn’t sure if I could sufficiently entertain her. However, once Ayva very comfortably rested her little elbow on my knee as she began talking about the show we were going to perform, I felt at ease with this little person since she felt so at ease with me. I could see a lot Brandi reflected in Ayva, like the hyper smart aspect and her totally being her own person. For a two and a half year-old, Ayva is pretty self-sufficient and also has some very solid opinions. And like her mama, she’s extremely expressive and  imaginative. For a moment, it felt a little surreal for me to be lounging on a couch, engaged in a weighty debate with a toddler over whether or not apples are a fruit, but I was really having the time of my life. It was fascinating to me to see how Ayva embodies so much of Brandi while she instructed me (gently) and reassured me during our play. It was a lot like way Brandi was talking with Ayva while they made cornbread. And for me personally, I’m always surprised by how much I’ll let a little kid tell me what do. I think under Ayva’s supervision, I drew no less than 30 butterflies.

I don’t know anything about motherhood. I don’t even know that much about being an adult. I do know that both seem impossibly hard. What I saw through Brandi and Ayva, though, is that an amazing, caring person can have an amazing, caring family. Brandi has inspired me since I met her. Yesterday she once again instilled a little bit of hope in me, showing me that some of the hardest parts of life can result in some of the best outcomes.

Categories: Life Tags: , , ,